Dear Karen
Dear Karen,
I see you. Standing there all alone, feeling the smallest you’ve ever felt after years of self-proclaiming you’re so large. For the first time in 2020, thankful you’re wearing a mask. Despite heading into the store with good intentions to get a book that will teach you more about something you suffered from, and upon leaving feeling more shame than ever.
The book I wanted is called Empty and I happened to learn about it by chance. Never opening the marketing emails I receive on a daily basis, with the pandemic keeping us locked inside our homes I decided I might as well get a few books to read. Since I don’t like reading on a screen and needed to get out safely, I headed to the store to pick it up myself with the ability to read it and actually flip the paper pages.
When I couldn’t find the book I asked for help which is not something people with eating disorders are good at. Actually, I’m not sure of many people who are good at asking for help but I digress. The woman started to look it up and then got distracted by another co-worker, another customer, and I guess forgot about helping me….must be like the doctor I had reached out to when I thought I was going to die from my own sickness.
Knowing she was probably too busy, I asked someone else although I did consider this was a sign and that maybe I should just leave without the book. Why would I want to open up this chapter of my own life again knowing just how difficult of a time it was? The new salesperson couldn’t find the book either and spoke into his headset. Now everyone in the store knew what I was looking for and probably who I was. “Thank God I’m wearing a mask,” I thought to myself. Honestly, I’ve been recovered for so long but I haven’t been completely honest with everyone close to me about my disease and just how bad it was. I felt like the ceiling was falling and the walls were getting closer. I felt like all the other customers were staring at me knowing that I must have an eating disorder. Be careful of the crazy girl over there.
This is not a letter to the doctor who didn’t call me back or the therapist who told me to blame my Grandmother for getting sick, or even to the woman in the bookstore who eventually yelled out loud for me to “Go to the self-help section, under mental illness, and look for eating disorders.” It was like each part of her sentence got louder and louder for all to hear. No, these people aren’t worth the time. This is a letter to my younger, hurting self. A girl who struggled growing into an adult, who was challenged by others and herself, who never felt she was ever good enough. It’s also a letter to those who have shared similar feelings, without anyone to lean into, without the courage or confidence to take the really hard step forward to overcome this type of disease. You’re not alone. I wasn’t and I wish I knew that at the time. You can beat an eating disorder. I’m proof of that. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes strength. It takes courage. It takes what you have inside you. Although you may not realize it when you’re in it.
I’m sharing this now as someone who has been recovered for roughly 12 years. I’m sharing this now to provide some comfort to myself and let others know recovery is an option. I’m sharing now to help those concerned about others close to them. I’m sharing in my own way, on my own timeline.
I’m fearful. I’m afraid people who didn’t know this about me will begin to look at me differently. I’m afraid others will be afraid around me…especially if there’s food involved. I’m afraid that people will look down on me.
But I’m willing to step outside the fear of shame in an effort to bring light to those stuck in the darkness. I’m open to questions and I’m open to talk to those who just need someone to listen. If we can’t learn from prior experiences and share those lessons, then these diseases will continue to eat away at those we care about. That’s not a pun, it’s the truth. Dear Karen is a series of letters to myself and to those who need help. Let’s take away the stigma, ease the pain, and help those need it…